It shouldn’t be possible to fail at yoga, right? The most uncompetitive form of exercise. Not.
Today, I wasn’t in a bad headspace when I started my practice, but by the time we reached warrior pose I was obsessing about work and money and how unfair it is that I’m paying so much for lawyers fees, and I almost started to cry (yes, I’m on my period aka not on pill aka ridiculously hormonal and over-emotional). I went out for a breather, came back, but all the poses after that seemed harder and harder and I decided I was going back to Intro 1 effective next class.
I originally only wanted to check this was ok with Amanda but I should have just done it without saying anything — I suppose it’s my desperate need for approval. Anyway she was surprised and started probing and next thing I know I’m all tearful and so she decided to give the whole class a speech about self-acceptance and expectations. She said our class (6am class) was popular with A-type personalities who have high expectations of ourselves and so on and so forth. It was kind of awkward because I don’t feel like anyone else is struggling — not physically I mean, as that is acceptable — but mentally.
I wonder if this is because I “cheat” — I don’t switch off, I don’t concentrate on being in the moment. I am constantly comparing myself to others, or worrying about other things. Although physically I probably do better than average in most poses, I’m not doing the “yoga” part right. I remember this from calligraphy lessons when I was living in Beijing; I couldn’t get the single brush strokes the way the teacher showed, so I would cheat and carefully draw outlines which I then filled. To the untrained eye, my characters were better drawn than the wobbly, speckled worksheets of the other students. But of course it was immediately obvious to Laoshi that my calligraphy was full of shit.
Anyway… I’m going back to Level 1. By now they have learned the basics and it will be simple repetition of the poses I have already “mastered” — maybe I can forget about the forme and just concentrate on the fond.