failing yoga

It shouldn’t be possible to fail at yoga, right? The most uncompetitive form of exercise. Not.

Today, I wasn’t in a bad headspace when I started my practice, but by the time we reached warrior pose I was obsessing about work and money and how unfair it is that I’m paying so much for lawyers fees, and I almost started to cry (yes, I’m on my period aka not on pill aka ridiculously hormonal and over-emotional). I went out for a breather, came back, but all the poses after that seemed harder and harder and I decided I was going back to Intro 1 effective next class.

I originally only wanted to check this was ok with Amanda but I should have just done it without saying anything — I suppose it’s my desperate need for approval. Anyway she was surprised and started probing and next thing I know I’m all tearful and so she decided to give the whole class a speech about self-acceptance and expectations. She said our class (6am class) was popular with A-type personalities who have high expectations of ourselves and so on and so forth. It was kind of awkward because I don’t feel like anyone else is struggling — not physically I mean, as that is acceptable — but mentally.

I wonder if this is because I “cheat” — I don’t switch off, I don’t concentrate on being in the moment. I am constantly comparing myself to others, or worrying about other things. Although physically I probably do better than average in most poses, I’m not doing the “yoga” part right. I remember this from calligraphy lessons when I was living in Beijing; I couldn’t get the single brush strokes the way the teacher showed, so I would cheat and carefully draw outlines which I then filled. To the untrained eye, my characters were better drawn than the wobbly, speckled worksheets of the other students. But of course it was immediately obvious to Laoshi that my calligraphy was full of shit.

Anyway… I’m going back to Level 1. By now they have learned the basics and it will be simple repetition of the poses I have already “mastered” — maybe I can forget about the forme and just concentrate on the fond.


6 thoughts on “failing yoga

  1. I know how you feel, she is always asking us to go within and feel the strength…
    On Tuesday I was doing the mouse pose, and suddenly there was this amazing pink and yellow dot where my third eye is supposed to be. I concentrated on it and thought “At last, I really get it!” but a bit later I realised it was the contrast of the ceiling light. duh.

    • Ahahahahahaha that has to be the funniest thing I’ve heard all day! I read this on my phone just as I reached home and discovered I’d left my keys on my desk at work — but burst out laughing nonetheless 😀

  2. Methinks you think too much. 🙂 I used to do yoga at night, I don’t know whether I would be able to quieten my mind first thing in the morning! Just put it down to one of those emotional days..

    • I would love to do yoga in the evening! I agree, mornings aren’t ideal. But I work late, and have unpredictable hours, so I have to exercise in the morning. And I am a *terrible* overthinker…

      • I hear you on that one! If only there was an ‘off’ button for thoughts- to be used at 3am when you can’t get to sleep, or when you’re waiting in an airport, or when you’re surrounded by noisy idiots on public transport..

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